Thoughtful Tuesdays x Wedding 101 : Post-Wedding Introspection

Phew, so the BIG day is finally over. Okay, not that I really wanted it to be over just like that but part of me was kinda looking forward to the end of the wedding event? With all that stress and conflicts, who wouldn’t want it to end quickly?

Wedding is one of the major preparations in your life but as the saying goes, “A wedding is an event. Marriage is a life time.” At the end of the day, it is merely a celebratory occasion/event, and marriage is, supposedly, to last a life time.

Because it is a major affair, which involves, unfortunately, not only the bridal couple but seems like almost the whole world…*rolls eyes*, it got me thinking many times and reflecting back on the whole event.

This is why I am penning this down, not only to share with you my introspective thoughts, but also as a sort of reminder to myself. And hopefully, one day when I read back, I would find it amusing 🙂

Plus, it comes in just in time for a Thoughtful Tuesdays post! 😀

I am already bursting with excitement to share such deep thoughts, so here goes!

*Warning : lengthy post ahead!*

1. Conflicts and tensions

9 out of 10 couples would without a doubt, confess that they have fought the most times during wedding preparations and the 1 couple who tells you that they didn’t encounter any conflicts nor even tensions, is most probably bad liars.

The usual common problems which soon-to-weds face are :-

  • Boyfriend/fiancé does not contribute much or at all to the wedding preps, whereas the girlfriend/fiancée feels like she’s doing everything by herself until where she reaches a stage feeling like she’s marrying herself….;
  • The monstrous demands by the parents…requesting to add in more tables when you have already confirmed the number of tables a year ago and even worse still, requesting at the very last minute when you are not allowed to change the number of tables anymore or when you have already reached the maximum number of holding capacity in the venue;
  • Seating arrangement which is by far, the toughest challenge of them all and it is one of the very last stages of the wedding prep; and/or
  • Customary such as the Guo Da Li (Betrothal 过大礼) procedure and items to purchase and give, and of course, not forgetting the horrendous Pin Jin amount (Wedding Dowry 聘金), which most of the time strains the relationships between the 2 families.

The above-mentioned are just a handful of reasons which usually surface and result in conflicts between the bridal couple and among both families. Certainly, if permit, conflicts can arise from anything and everything!

2. Distancing from each other

As with most other couples, the hubs (yay promoted!) and I had our fair share of conflicts too. During that period of time, I really felt that we were distancing ourselves from each other even though we are preparing for an event which is for a union of 2 people who are in love with each other!

Oh, the irony.

I felt that our relationship was suddenly being violently flung out of the window, going downhill and being cruelly tested to see it could actually withstand such tough shit. But I’m glad it did.

3. Understanding each other better

Ironically, due to the difference in mentalities which was the main root of conflict, I found myself understanding the hubs better in terms of his character (a new discovery after 8 years! *gasp*), his mentality, the way he handles things and his preferences for specific stuffs etc.

I am hoping that this “new discovery” will come in handy for our future issues 🙂 *fingers crossed*

4. Should the wedding be based on our own needs/wants or the needs/wants of others?

Many times, I found myself asking this question over and over again.

There were a handful of requests by some guests informing us that they would prefer not to sit with so-and-so, and things can get quite complicated and in turn, frustrating when Party A does not want to sit with Party B, who does not want to sit with Party C, and things made even worse when these people are from the same ‘clique’.

This brings me back to the bothering seating arrangement problem in point 1.

Do you people actually know how hard it is to arrange the seating plan?! GRRR.

5. People are self-centered as all they think about is themselves

I dare say that through holding a wedding event, I have further learnt that yes, it is indeed true that humans can be really self-centered at times.

Not sparing a thought for the poor souls struggling to arrange a perfect seating plan for the event, (not forgetting the 100001 other things to do) but yet requesting and demanding for this and that.

After having gone through a wedding prep myself, I now fully empathize the situation the bridal couple will undergo and will minimize any problems for them. Trust me, it would really help them. 😉

6. Other people’s opinions 

Then we have the Misters and Missus know-what-is-best-for-the-whole-universe telling you how throwing a banquet is such a waste of money, how a photo booth is really not necessary, how pretty you should decorate your wedding venue, how elaborate your betrothal items should be, how you shouldn’t give a wedding speech because most guests wouldn’t pay much attention to…..so on and so forth.

#Sorrynotsorry, but can I ask, who’s wedding is this ah? Yours or mine? *rolls eyes*

I know how costly throwing a wedding banquet can be in the recent times whereby wedding venue rates seem to increase by the second, but do you really have to tell-that-in-my-face that throwing a banquet is such a waste of money, especially during such stressful times?

Before we decided to throw the oh-so-boring-hotel wedding banquet, the then-fiancé and I had a discussion between ourselves and decided to go ahead because we both love attending wedding banquets as our loved ones (families and friends) are all present to witness our BIG day!

Oh I must say how much I used to love attending wedding banquets, which was when I was much younger and attending my relatives’ wedding dinners, because I get to mingle and catch up with my relatives (apart from CNY, we don’t usually meet often) 🙂

But but, after having my own wedding banquet, I realised that we seriously have NO time to even chit chat with our guests (will make up for this via another blog post). 🙁

The hubs and I actually thought of separating our ROM and customary tea ceremony and banquet dinner on 2 separate days, especially since the our new love nest came at the same time ($$$). However, that initial plan was dropped because I didn’t want to have a boring ROM ceremony by just signing the legal papers at the ROM centre itself and neither did it made any sense to us to first throw a lavish ROM ceremony at a nice eatery, which by the way, isn’t cheap either, and then to throw another wedding banquet dinner thereafter. Hence, we decided to just go ahead and combined our ROM, customary tea ceremony and wedding banquet all in one day 🙂

Plus, it also seems meaningless to throw a wedding banquet after getting your BTO flat and moving in. No offence, but I wouldn’t have the mood nor $$ to do such “double work”. After signing the legal papers and moving into your new home, most people wouldn’t really remember whether you threw a banquet or not anyway.

I know I seem to be contradicting myself with this point 5 on others’ opinions, but at least I don’t go to that person’s face and impose my opinion on him/her. Pfft.

And, did I mention how I really hate doing double work? *flashes “OCD/perfectionist/anal” cue card*

It is already such a stressful process in preparing for a wedding and having such comments spat at you, really does not help a single bit. Had they kept their opinions to themselves, it would be already helped us, alot. #thankyoubutnothankyou

7. Customary/geomancy issues

Everyone was pretty shocked when they came to know that we had actually tried our best to follow through the customary procedure and our geomancer’s professional advice in prepping for our wedding. Honestly, I was shocked myself too.

Initially, we did not intend to engage a geomancer due to the hassles involved. However, as we planned to get hitch during the 1st quarter of this year, which leaves us with January to March, it was common knowledge that people usually do not get hitched nearing and during the CNY period due to the reason of 喜冲喜, which also reduced our choices to either January or March.

I guess some irrational fears got the better of us and thus, pushed us to engage a geomancer, just so you know, to play safe. Little did we know that there were actually several prohibitions and customary traditional “rules” to adhere to. In all honesty, I am not a superstitious person, but I guess once you have decided to engage a geomancer for advice, you would most probably feel “safer” and “better” in following through.

8. The nosiness of others 

One thing I hate about people is their nosiness. Poking your nose into someone’s else business is really not funny, at all.

“Who do I pass the red packets to? You or your parents, since your parents will be taking them?”

“How much was your bridal package?”

“How much was your photography fees?”

“How much were your wedding shoes?”

“How much is one wedding table?”

“How much did you spend in all?”

Psst, I can understand if you are merely asking for your own research purposes…if not, why so kaypoh?

And here comes the ultimate and most commonly asked question…….

*DRUM ROLLS*

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“HOW MUCH RED PACKETS $ DID YOU RECEIVE” & “DID YOU MAKE A PROFIT/LOSS/BREAK EVEN”???

Okay, that is technically 2 questions but you get my idea.

THAT. FREAKING.ANNOYING. QUESTION.BEING.ASKED.OVER.AND.OVER.AGAIN.BY.1000001.PEOPLE.IS.REALLY.FREAKING.ANNOYING.

Why does it matter so much to you? Why the hell do you want to know for? If we were to say we made a loss, are you going to gloat about it? If not, are you going to help us settle our wedding bill?

Or if we were to say we managed to break even or received more than enough to cover, are you going to be happy for us or think that we do not deserve it?

Whatever it is. *rolls eyes*

I just think that people should stop asking this question. Period.

9. Insincerity

*nudge myself* – a gentle reminder it’s already point 9, ahem…

I had actually wanted to pen down 10 points but guess I have to surpass this initial plan.

I know it is best to keep silent and best to forget whatever incident that occurred at our wedding, which I reluctantly did, during that night. And I did so only because I had to respect my hubs, the other guests and myself. In other words, I had to 给面子 (give face). But knowing me, it is rare to see me keeping my cool without exploding (so you can imagine how proud I was that night LOL) at someone’s face. So this blog is the best avenue I can actually air things out, whether they like it or not.

I wouldn’t go into detail of what happened but all I want to say is that, some of our guests were very disrespectful and insincere. They attended our wedding not because they wanted to celebrate the joyous occasion with us, but because they wanted to make things difficult for us. Or at least, they seemed like they wanted to.

Frankly, had I known their motives, I had rather not invite them to our wedding at all. Your absence would have already very much rendered great help to us.

P.S. If you have no idea what happened and intend to find out from either one of us, may I very kindly get you to refer back to point 8. Thank you very much.

10. Things DO NOT ALWAYS go as planned

You can call me a perfectionist or a perfectionist-wannabe, but most of my friends would know (I hope) that I get very irked when things do not go as planned.

And a little advice to all soon-to-weds, things will NOT totally go as you have planned. Trust me on this one. 

Trying hard to be the most beautiful bride in the world, but having an annoying pimple popping out on your wedding, which must have got you thinking “Bloody hell! Why can’t you pop on other days, like the rest of the 364 days?!”

Or, you have forgotten to bring your gown along to the hotel (which very much happened to Yours Truly but thank god it was my evening gown so I had some time to play around with)…

Or, overrunning your time resulting in delays in the subsequent programme for that day….

Or, having confirmed guests pulling out at the very last minute (even on the wedding day itself), telling you crap excuses on why they cannot attend or having guests not attending your wedding without pre-informing you, made worse with also crap reasons…

Well, you’d get what I mean.

As a self-consolation, I constantly tell myself that I am not a bridezilla because this is naturally how I am, even with or without a wedding, HAHAHA!

You can call me anal too but it is true, I’d try my best to get things going as planned and I hate last minute changes.

11. It should always be about the marriage and not just the wedding itself

As I have already mentioned, it is the marriage which is of utmost importance as compared to a wedding. A wedding is a mere event, which only lasts for a day and years later, most guests and perhaps yourselves, wouldn’t remember the event exactly.

But, for marriage…it is a whole new different story altogether.

Marriage is a brand new chapter for both the newly-weds and also their families.

Marriage should be the one you need to conscientiously put in effort, time, money and love.

And whenever you feel frustrated in planning your wedding, remember to tell yourself, this too shall pass. 

It will get better because this is just a passing phase and most couples bicker most during times like this, so there is nothing to worry about.

With this, I will end with a cliché quote:

A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together but when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

Yeah yeah I know what you are thinking, it is easier said than done. I am with you on this but with true love for each other, have faith and believe what seems impossible to you 😉